It's all about the small stuff

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Some cool things are happening and I don't quite know what to make of it all!

Recently, every now and then, I've been having moments of increased sensitivity. Really strange moments. 
One night last week I felt a twinge in my back left shoulder whilst at Fortify, a Christian youth event. I approached the microphone and explained the sensation which had disappeared as quickly as it had entered my back. I had no response until the next day when a friend text me saying she had that exact pain. I threw a quick prayer up to God and took authority over the pain in Jesus' name. The next text I received, hours later, was telling me that the pain went and never came back - she hadn't text earlier because it felt so back-to-normal that she had forgotten the pain was there in the first place!!!! So amazing! This has happened before: a moment where I 'feel' pain and someone near me has that pain, we pray and it goes. Therefore, this particular incident didn't come as a big surprise to me, but filled me with an ever-increasing excitement that God reigns over all pain.
Some newer and more interesting moments of sensitivity are starting to occur and I'm really excited whilst being a little bit nervous to see what happens next on this little (or big!) journey with God.
Earlier today I was sat eating lunch with my dad. As I tucked into my sandwich I felt an overwhelming sense of faint-ness. I didn't feel quite in-the-room. I pondered on the feeling for a while and then put it down to a sudden, miniature wave of anxiety. What happened next baffled me... A girl at the counter staggered backwards and fell against the chair next to me, before being helped to her feet by her friends. As I turned to check she was okay, I saw her body limp in her friend's arms. She had fainted. She was lowered to the ground, feet up in the air, and she came to. We left at that moment; too many people in the small shop would only worsen that situation. 
There are a few things worth noting: 1) She staggered backwards. If she had fallen from the position she was in she would have hit her head on a sharp edge of the table or chair behind her. But she didn't fall straight away, she staggered, which gave her friends enough reaction time to catch her and prevented her from cracking her head and neck. This is an amazing 'mini miracle'. I can't help wonder if myself and my dad being there, and Holy Spirit living inside of us, helped prevent such an awful accident from happening. It certainly is thanks to God that the girl left unharmed. 2) I had a brief moment of feeling faint minutes before she fainted just a meter away from me. The more I think about this, the more I am realising I have been having these moments a lot. What I am now calling 'increased sensitivity' moments have been slipping into my life, subtly. As I pass people by I feel things differently - change of vision, change of senses, change of the way I walk. I want to start exploring what this means! Is God revealing these pains and illnesses to me so that I can pray out loud with the person experiencing these pains? Should I mutter a prayer as I pass by? Or I can pray blessings and healing for them in my head?
I'm full of questions and excited about a new adventure! 
Until next time, 
Amy xo

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Moonlit Adventures

Since the last time I wrote (which was my A>Z of Thanks) I've spent my days trying to be more positive. I can feel a shift happening and I can feel that the more I focus on the positive, the happier I feel and the happier I feel people are feeling when they are around me. I had gotten myself into this negative spiral of being unhappy which was I felt was making other people feel unhappy so I was more unhappy, etc. My usual tact to making myself feel happier is to lift someone else up, do something for them and see them happy - that's what fuels me! So seeing people unhappy and thinking that I was always the cause and feeling like I couldn't do anything to help was de-fuelling me to the max! Little did I know that I needed to start with me and start working through some negativities: Why does it upset me? Can I do anything to make it better? Is it worth worrying about? Being open with myself about my feelings has meant that I can feel happiness a whole lot more and I know a lot more about what will make me happy! That is something that I never want to lose.

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On Thursday night I sat in the car as mum drove me passed the edge of the beach on our way to visit my sister. This was a spontaneous trip and one that required very little energy (my family are quite forgiving on days when I'm in a lot of pain and have just a small amount of energy, thank you guys!). As we drove passed the sea wall, I pictured what lay behind: A long strip of pebbles that turned into soft, fine sand further down the beach; the sea lapping at the shore line, rolling pebbles back and forth; the sunset reflecting off everything that it could: the sand, the pebbles, the sea, the boats. I couldn't help myself and I exclaimed to my mum 'do you know what I really wanna do one day?!' *pause* 'I want to sit on the beach with some friends as the sun goes down and wait until it's completely dark before going for a swim!' She thought I was crazy, and so did I... until last night.  Yesterday I played golf with some friends to celebrate JP's birthday. We chose the driving the range as the activity for the afternoon. 

Photo credit: MT

Following our little golfing experience we headed back to my house for fajitas and profiteroles before we were due to meet more friends at the pub at 8pm. It was here that someone exclaimed we should go to the beach after we've been to the pub. Initially I was not game, I definitely wanted sleep more than I wanted an adventure. But it was JP's birthday after all and he got the final say. The pub gathering was a lot of fun! It was poo-stories-galore! With a nurse and a nursery worker sat around the table with us, we heard of some interesting experiences. As the pub gathering drew to a close, we said our goodbyes, hid JP's car, and continued laughing as we went our separate ways. For some, they headed home. For the 6 of us, the night was just beginning. The sun had set and the moon and stars were out. A quick drive down the road, whilst singing along to All Sons and Daughters, landed us at our nearest pebbled beach. There are no words for what happened next! It hit midnight and we went swimming, in the sea! The water was warmer than expected, calmer than anticipated, and more fun that I could ever describe! The only light source, bar a couple of dim streetlamps, was the moon's solid reflection on the water. Thank goodness MS decided not to swim. She grabbed our hoodies and keys as the tide came in and moved them out of the water's path. If you've never been swimming in the sea at midnight, or when it's dark for that matter, do it! Add it to your Adventure List, or your Bucket List, or every single list you ever make. Just make sure you do it one day!

Post-swim selfie

We dried off and drove off, but we weren't going home just yet. We went up onto the hills and sat in the cars, in the quiet. Processing what had just happened and enjoying the calm euphoria that had overwhelmed us all. Amy xo

A > Z of Thanks

Bonjour! I'm currently writing this whilst sat at my Granny's desk in her house (in France!)
A couple of days ago I picked up my third book of the French getaway holiday: Katie Piper's 'Things Get Better'. It's an awesome book so far; I'm at chapter 4 and loving every page.
A big theme in the book at the moment is positivity in the form of gratitude. I'd thought I'd give an A > Z of Thanks a try and I'd love to share it with you. I've found it so refreshing.
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A) Adventures (however big or small I can find adventure in everything and I'm so thankful for that)

B) Bibz-a-Libz (my cheeky monkey of a sister. She's so stunning and I'm grateful for her ability to laugh my pain away)

C) Church Family(I'm truly grateful for all of the people around me that have become my church family; they help me to keep faith when I'm feeling weak and celebrate with me when I'm feeling strong, thank you guys) 

D) Doctors (having sat with countless doctors throughout my life, from having vaccinations to discussing the ways to best deal with my Joint Hypermobility (JHS/EDS-JHT), I can truly say I'm extremely grateful for all of the advice and support that I have received) 

E) Emma (I'm so thankful for the giggles and surprises and waves that we share)

F) Family (cliché or not, they're my foundation and I'm so thankful to have three people that love me and that I love in my life)

G) Guitar (I'm extremely grateful that I can escape my problems for a while and strum at my guitar; it's awesomely soothing)

H) Hope For Justice (the injustice of human trafficking is forever on my heart. I'm really thankful for all that the guys over at Hope For Justice do, helping this world get one step closer to perfect) 

I) Independence (I'm grateful that I live in a country where woman are allowed to be independent and are treated with respect)

J) Joy (I'm extremely thankful for evenings and days filled with uncontrollable laughter and joy, and for the people that bring such joy into my life)

K) Knowledge (I'm thankful for the knowledge that has been passed onto me by teachers, friends and family throughout my life. I love that I have the opportunity to learn and to be educated)

L) Lampshade (the group chat name for some friends who I am so *jump-up-and-down-with-gratitude* grateful for) 

M) Maize (I'm so thankful for this awesome lady(!); she's a beautiful human being who helps me see beauty in everything) 

N) Nature (nature provides stunning scenery: from still lakes to harsh waterfalls, from sunrise to sunset. I'm so thankful for the beauty that I can find in nature all of the time) 

O) Orange Juice (freshly-squeezed, of course. I'm just so thankful for its amazing taste, haha!) 

P) Parents (I'm grateful for my lovely, gorgeous parents who love me eternally)

Q) Questions (I love asking questions, haha! I'll often be heard saying: 'Random Question.... ?' So I'm grateful for the conversation-openers that questions can become, funny and serious)

R) Rainbows (I absolutely adore rainbows. They're so pretty and they bring a smile to my face every time they pop up in the sky above me. For that I'm thankful) 

S) Skills (I'm thankful for the creative and logical skills that I've been blessed with and for the many that I will learn in the future; they make life all the more interesting and adventurous for me)

T) Tigger and Cinnamon (These are the names of my pretty cats. They give purrfect little cuddles!)

U) Unity (I'm thankful for the variety of friendship groups that I have the pleasure of being involved in, the sense of unity I feel with some individuals and groups is such a blessing)

V) Vision (I have such vision in life, I see things for what they can become and I get to dream BIG, for this I'm ever grateful)

W) Water (I love a good lake, a swimming pool, an ocean, the sea, beautiful cloud formations... without water none of these would exist)

X) Xenial-ity: hospitality, especially to visiting strangers or foreigners. Of the relation between a host and a guest; friendly. (I'm always so thankful for people who are welcoming and hospitable towards me and others) 

Y) Young people (Little minds can teach old souls so much! The innocent honesty of small children is so amazing to witness, whilst the bubbly energy of teenagers is infectious too)

Z) Zeal (People who are passionate about change always fuel my passion to create and see a better world. I'm thankful for these humans)

So many things to be happy for, and there's so much more. I look forward to being able to look back at this list on good and bad days to remind myself of a few happy things.

I'd really encourage you to do the same if you're reading this. It can be as detailed as you like. Get creative with the difficult letters and have a lot of fun!

Smile,

Amy xo

Faith, Trust, and Pixie Dust

Have you ever felt that gut-wrenching sickness after receiving a result that you didn't want?  I have. The time I got my theory test back as a fail. The time I was awarded 365 UMS in my media A-Level, after being promised more marks than I got, to find out that I needed 366 to reach the next grade up. The time I didn't get captain of my secondary school 'house'.

I'm guessing that some of these experiences resound in your memories. Those feelings of sickness swirl around your head and stomach. And in those moments what is it that you hold onto?  I feel my faith, grab a whole lot of trust, and remind myself that it will all be okay. That is, of course, after having a major toddler-tantrum, an "it's not fair" moment and a big cry. "...the Lord is trustworthy..." - 2 Thessalonians 3:3

See, something that I battle with every single day is waking up with a condition that I didn't ask for, that I didn't want and that, some days, I really don't feel strong enough to cope with. It's a condition that is there and that, for now, isn't leaving me alone. I've had to learn to make the best out of an unwelcome situation but that doesn't always make it easier. A little reminder that never fails to give me peace when I inhale the solid promise behind the words is:
"...and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him..." - Romans 8:28
When I find peace in a situation, it is only then that I find I'm able to pour love out over people. Practically where do I go when I feel that deep, aching loss?
I scream, I cry, I long for a different outcome,
I remember that my God is bigger,
I trust that He knows what He is doing,
and then I keep on trying to love people.
Sometimes it's the hardest thing to do to love the person who took something away from you, stole your award, stole your title, marked your paper low, taught you badly. And that doesn't get easier with time and practice. We do, however, have the God who is love on our side, cheering us on to love the world and the people in it.

So have faith, trust God, and sprinkle love everywhere that you go today, tomorrow, and always!
Amy xo

o v e r p o w e r e d

It's been 1 year, 11 months and 11 days since my grandma left for heaven, or 712 days. That makes it 786 days since cancer took my uncle up to heaven too. It's been 280 days since my friends left for uni.  And 277 days have passed since my sister left for college. That's a lot of loss in very little time.  The word 'cancer' doesn't prepare you for the loss that is coming. The many assemblies for your friends who are off to uni don't prepare those who are left behind for the loss they are about to feel. Nothing prepares you for your sister moving out, the person who knows the good and the ugly, the perfect and the rubbish - gone.

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I can always trust AA Milne to sum things up just right. After experiencing all of that loss I still knew how lucky I was to have such things to be sad about. My eyes were exposed to seeing a little more of life, my mind started to understand... we all lose things. I'm not talking keys and phone (speaking of which, where's my purse...?). I'm talking about those things that trigger an emotion deep inside of you. Those moments that leave you unable to breathe for crying or unable to breathe for punching a wall really hard. But they're not just moments. They're part of your story, part of your journey. A 'bump in the road' a 'change in the direction of the wind'. 

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It physically pains me to know that there are many, many people in this world going through many, many hard things. No one has 'the perfect life' but everyone has an aching desire for one because we were built for greater things, we were built for Heaven. How cliché it would be to tell you that if you cry yourself to sleep every night, you're not alone. That if you haven't cried in months but you're never happy, you're not alone. If you find things easy but feel hurt that people around you are struggling, you're not alone. I'm going to go one step further into the depths of cliché phrases and tell you that it's also really good to talk about those things. Like really, really good!

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A good friend recently high-lighted to me that people find it easy to talk about how they've struggled after it's happened and usually once they're in a different place. This is too true and it explains why I haven't spoken about anything sooner.  I've been suffering recently with lots of things. In the last 2 years I've taken on too much, especially considering I've lost a lot of my support and foundation.  This past week just gone I was house-sitting whilst mum and dad were in France and Becca was at college and it was one of the hardest things I've done and it came at one of the hardest times. The feelings of isolation that I had already been feeling were magnified by living alone. The feelings of fear that I was trying not to let surface were magnified by being alone. The stresses of every day life were magnified by not having someone to talk to. I ended up in a web of difficult thoughts and negativity. A web of over-thinking and a web of over-powering lies that I was convincing myself were true. It was far from fun. Not myself, needing a lot of help. Then I found a group of people who I could start to open up about these things to. Some people that not only did I trust but that I knew wouldn't be burdened by my problems. These people are fighting their own battles and, in most cases, each one of my struggles is shared with at least one of these friends. We've made the decision to keep talking to each other and to keep supporting each other.
The worst thing for me when I'm drowning in struggles and stress is for the people around me to be 'perfectly fine'. I thrive on helping people and if everyone around me is telling me that they're okay, then I find myself pushing them away one by one. No longer feeling as connected to them as I once was. Just feeling a burden and not a support. Feeling useless. I'm not quite out of the woods but I feel so much lighter having been able to share my burden with some brilliant people in recent days. Thank you Jesus for some amazing friendships that have grown out of the ashes.

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There's some food for thought and if you're struggling then please, please talk to someone that will listen and support you!
I'd like to leave you with this:
God doesn't put us through hard times; it's the evil in the world that makes tough times inevitable. But God does use all of the rubbish we experience and turn it positively, over-poweringly for our good <3
Lots of love,
Amy xo

A Heart For Adventure🛩

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Recently I've discovered that I have a big passion for adventure! A huge longing to explore new things, new places, new skills, new people.
It explains why, when sat at the job centre last Monday morning, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. There are so many things that I love doing and so many things that I have the skills to do. Sometimes these don't cross over, at least not for now, and that's more than okay. So I've spent the last week sorting out and discovering what I love and what I'm good at. With there being so many options, I don't want to end up stuck in once place forever, doing the same thing day in and day out. Every day of my life is destined to be an adventure.

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It turns out that I love travelling. It's not something that I've never thought about in such depth before but it's definitely something that I love. From my trip to Mexico to build a house, to visiting my grandparents in France, to spending the day exploring new parts of a familiar beach - I love it all.
Just a few days ago a special friend took me out to London for an adventure to celebrate my birthday. All I knew was that I was to be at the station for 9.15am and that I needed to pack the usual items for the good old British weather - suncream, sunglasses, a raincoat - you get the idea.

We've always joked about finding a boat train after one of our friends accidentally exclaimed 'all aboard the boat train' instead of 'all aboard the banter train'. My first surprise of the day was travelling by boat to our next destination. It truly was a boat train through the centre of London! What more could a girl want?! We enjoyed a sunny picnic in the middle of Hyde Park - that was the next part of the surprise! And laughed in the pouring rain. What's amazing about adventures like this is that you just have no care in the world about the small things - the water-logged shoes, the soaking wet hair, the lack of sunshine. None of it matters because what matters most is the adventure being experienced with someone you love by your side.
So no matter where I end up and what I end up doing, I pray that it's full of adventure. I want to leave a sparkle wherever I go and I want to go to many places, whilst always having somewhere to call home, some people to call friends, and Jesus by my side.

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That's all for now, Who knows what's coming around the bend!?
Amy xo