o v e r p o w e r e d

It's been 1 year, 11 months and 11 days since my grandma left for heaven, or 712 days. That makes it 786 days since cancer took my uncle up to heaven too. It's been 280 days since my friends left for uni.  And 277 days have passed since my sister left for college. That's a lot of loss in very little time.  The word 'cancer' doesn't prepare you for the loss that is coming. The many assemblies for your friends who are off to uni don't prepare those who are left behind for the loss they are about to feel. Nothing prepares you for your sister moving out, the person who knows the good and the ugly, the perfect and the rubbish - gone.

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I can always trust AA Milne to sum things up just right. After experiencing all of that loss I still knew how lucky I was to have such things to be sad about. My eyes were exposed to seeing a little more of life, my mind started to understand... we all lose things. I'm not talking keys and phone (speaking of which, where's my purse...?). I'm talking about those things that trigger an emotion deep inside of you. Those moments that leave you unable to breathe for crying or unable to breathe for punching a wall really hard. But they're not just moments. They're part of your story, part of your journey. A 'bump in the road' a 'change in the direction of the wind'. 

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It physically pains me to know that there are many, many people in this world going through many, many hard things. No one has 'the perfect life' but everyone has an aching desire for one because we were built for greater things, we were built for Heaven. How cliché it would be to tell you that if you cry yourself to sleep every night, you're not alone. That if you haven't cried in months but you're never happy, you're not alone. If you find things easy but feel hurt that people around you are struggling, you're not alone. I'm going to go one step further into the depths of cliché phrases and tell you that it's also really good to talk about those things. Like really, really good!

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A good friend recently high-lighted to me that people find it easy to talk about how they've struggled after it's happened and usually once they're in a different place. This is too true and it explains why I haven't spoken about anything sooner.  I've been suffering recently with lots of things. In the last 2 years I've taken on too much, especially considering I've lost a lot of my support and foundation.  This past week just gone I was house-sitting whilst mum and dad were in France and Becca was at college and it was one of the hardest things I've done and it came at one of the hardest times. The feelings of isolation that I had already been feeling were magnified by living alone. The feelings of fear that I was trying not to let surface were magnified by being alone. The stresses of every day life were magnified by not having someone to talk to. I ended up in a web of difficult thoughts and negativity. A web of over-thinking and a web of over-powering lies that I was convincing myself were true. It was far from fun. Not myself, needing a lot of help. Then I found a group of people who I could start to open up about these things to. Some people that not only did I trust but that I knew wouldn't be burdened by my problems. These people are fighting their own battles and, in most cases, each one of my struggles is shared with at least one of these friends. We've made the decision to keep talking to each other and to keep supporting each other.
The worst thing for me when I'm drowning in struggles and stress is for the people around me to be 'perfectly fine'. I thrive on helping people and if everyone around me is telling me that they're okay, then I find myself pushing them away one by one. No longer feeling as connected to them as I once was. Just feeling a burden and not a support. Feeling useless. I'm not quite out of the woods but I feel so much lighter having been able to share my burden with some brilliant people in recent days. Thank you Jesus for some amazing friendships that have grown out of the ashes.

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There's some food for thought and if you're struggling then please, please talk to someone that will listen and support you!
I'd like to leave you with this:
God doesn't put us through hard times; it's the evil in the world that makes tough times inevitable. But God does use all of the rubbish we experience and turn it positively, over-poweringly for our good <3
Lots of love,
Amy xo