Have you ever felt that gut-wrenching sickness after receiving a result that you didn't want?
I have.
The time I got my theory test back as a fail.
The time I was awarded 365 UMS in my media A-Level, after being promised more marks than I got, to find out that I needed 366 to reach the next grade up.
The time I didn't get captain of my secondary school 'house'.
I'm guessing that some of these experiences resound in your memories. Those feelings of sickness swirl around your head and stomach. And in those moments what is it that you hold onto?
I feel my faith, grab a whole lot of trust, and remind myself that it will all be okay.
That is, of course, after having a major toddler-tantrum, an "it's not fair" moment and a big cry.
"...the Lord is trustworthy..."
- 2 Thessalonians 3:3
See, something that I battle with every single day is waking up with a condition that I didn't ask for, that I didn't want and that, some days, I really don't feel strong enough to cope with.
It's a condition that is there and that, for now, isn't leaving me alone. I've had to learn to make the best out of an unwelcome situation but that doesn't always make it easier. A little reminder that never fails to give me peace when I inhale the solid promise behind the words is:
"...and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him..."
- Romans 8:28
When I find peace in a situation, it is only then that I find I'm able to pour love out over people. Practically where do I go when I feel that deep, aching loss?
I scream, I cry, I long for a different outcome,
I remember that my God is bigger,
I trust that He knows what He is doing,
and then I keep on trying to love people.
Sometimes it's the hardest thing to do to love the person who took something away from you, stole your award, stole your title, marked your paper low, taught you badly. And that doesn't get easier with time and practice. We do, however, have the God who is love on our side, cheering us on to love the world and the people in it.
So have faith, trust God, and sprinkle love everywhere that you go today, tomorrow, and always!
Amy xo
It's been 1 year, 11 months and 11 days since my grandma left for heaven, or 712 days. That makes it 786 days since cancer took my uncle up to heaven too.
It's been 280 days since my friends left for uni.
And 277 days have passed since my sister left for college.
That's a lot of loss in very little time.
The word 'cancer' doesn't prepare you for the loss that is coming. The many assemblies for your friends who are off to uni don't prepare those who are left behind for the loss they are about to feel. Nothing prepares you for your sister moving out, the person who knows the good and the ugly, the perfect and the rubbish - gone.
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| Picture source: Google |
I can always trust AA Milne to sum things up just right. After experiencing all of that loss I still knew how lucky I was to have such things to be sad about. My eyes were exposed to seeing a little more of life, my mind started to understand... we all lose things. I'm not talking keys and phone (speaking of which, where's my purse...?). I'm talking about those things that trigger an emotion deep inside of you. Those moments that leave you unable to breathe for crying or unable to breathe for punching a wall really hard. But they're not just moments. They're part of your story, part of your journey. A 'bump in the road' a 'change in the direction of the wind'.
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| Image source: Google |
It physically pains me to know that there are many, many people in this world going through many, many hard things. No one has 'the perfect life' but everyone has an aching desire for one because we were built for greater things, we were built for Heaven.
How cliché it would be to tell you that if you cry yourself to sleep every night, you're not alone. That if you haven't cried in months but you're never happy, you're not alone. If you find things easy but feel hurt that people around you are struggling, you're not alone.
I'm going to go one step further into the depths of cliché phrases and tell you that it's also really good to talk about those things. Like really, really good!
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| Image source: Google |
A good friend recently high-lighted to me that people find it easy to talk about how they've struggled after it's happened and usually once they're in a different place. This is too true and it explains why I haven't spoken about anything sooner.
I've been suffering recently with lots of things. In the last 2 years I've taken on too much, especially considering I've lost a lot of my support and foundation.
This past week just gone I was house-sitting whilst mum and dad were in France and Becca was at college and it was one of the hardest things I've done and it came at one of the hardest times. The feelings of isolation that I had already been feeling were magnified by living alone. The feelings of fear that I was trying not to let surface were magnified by being alone. The stresses of every day life were magnified by not having someone to talk to.
I ended up in a web of difficult thoughts and negativity. A web of over-thinking and a web of over-powering lies that I was convincing myself were true. It was far from fun. Not myself, needing a lot of help.
Then I found a group of people who I could start to open up about these things to. Some people that not only did I trust but that I knew wouldn't be burdened by my problems. These people are fighting their own battles and, in most cases, each one of my struggles is shared with at least one of these friends. We've made the decision to keep talking to each other and to keep supporting each other.
The worst thing for me when I'm drowning in struggles and stress is for the people around me to be 'perfectly fine'. I thrive on helping people and if everyone around me is telling me that they're okay, then I find myself pushing them away one by one. No longer feeling as connected to them as I once was. Just feeling a burden and not a support. Feeling useless.
I'm not quite out of the woods but I feel so much lighter having been able to share my burden with some brilliant people in recent days.
Thank you Jesus for some amazing friendships that have grown out of the ashes.
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| Image source: Google |
There's some food for thought and if you're struggling then please, please talk to someone that will listen and support you!
I'd like to leave you with this:
God doesn't put us through hard times; it's the evil in the world that makes tough times inevitable. But God does use all of the rubbish we experience and turn it positively, over-poweringly for our good <3
Lots of love,
Amy xo
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| Picture source: Google |
Recently I've discovered that I have a big passion for adventure! A huge longing to explore new things, new places, new skills, new people.
It explains why, when sat at the job centre last Monday morning, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. There are so many things that I love doing and so many things that I have the skills to do. Sometimes these don't cross over, at least not for now, and that's more than okay. So I've spent the last week sorting out and discovering what I love and what I'm good at. With there being so many options, I don't want to end up stuck in once place forever, doing the same thing day in and day out. Every day of my life is destined to be an adventure.
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| Picture source: Google |
It turns out that I love travelling. It's not something that I've never thought about in such depth before but it's definitely something that I love. From my trip to Mexico to build a house, to visiting my grandparents in France, to spending the day exploring new parts of a familiar beach - I love it all.
Just a few days ago a special friend took me out to London for an adventure to celebrate my birthday. All I knew was that I was to be at the station for 9.15am and that I needed to pack the usual items for the good old British weather - suncream, sunglasses, a raincoat - you get the idea.
We've always joked about finding a boat train after one of our friends accidentally exclaimed 'all aboard the boat train' instead of 'all aboard the banter train'. My first surprise of the day was travelling by boat to our next destination. It truly was a boat train through the centre of London! What more could a girl want?! We enjoyed a sunny picnic in the middle of Hyde Park - that was the next part of the surprise! And laughed in the pouring rain. What's amazing about adventures like this is that you just have no care in the world about the small things - the water-logged shoes, the soaking wet hair, the lack of sunshine. None of it matters because what matters most is the adventure being experienced with someone you love by your side.
So no matter where I end up and what I end up doing, I pray that it's full of adventure. I want to leave a sparkle wherever I go and I want to go to many places, whilst always having somewhere to call home, some people to call friends, and Jesus by my side.
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| Picture source: Google |
That's all for now,
Who knows what's coming around the bend!?
Amy xo
